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The Hobbit – Battle of the Five Armies Review

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The Legions March

Well guys its that time again… The Hobbit – Battle of the Five Armies review. Well where do I start, at the beginning I guess. Right firstly I will deal with (what I consider) the negatives are. Some of these gripes may sound familiar if you checked out my last review.

C.G.I. Total over cookage this time, I thought in Desolation they served up a hearty meal of overdone graphics but this time oh my! I was really looking forward to seeing Dain II with Billy Connolly providing the voice, I loved the voice and some of his jokey yet serious one liners and his war hammer was awesome but why use C.G.I. ? There have been many answers to this question, one being Billy was too ill, another saying they didn’t like the look him as Dain when he had his armor on and others saying his parkinsons was worse whilst wearing the armor making it hard to film. Either way I love Billy Connolly and would have loved to have seen him, lest hope he is well and they put something in the DVD.

C.G.I. Billy/Dain II

C.G.I. Billy/Dain II

Basically every battle scene is C.G.I’d to the max, every Legolas fight is also tampered with at some point.This problem has arisen as they chose not to use real actors to portray Azog and friends, another way to blow the magic of a movie. Manu Bennet could have easily played one of the chiefs as he has great screen presence as we saw in Spartacus. Shame really when you think about it.

Beorn, now another part I was really looking forward to was Beorn changing in to the beast bear and ravaging the Orc/Goblin scum in to tiny pieces, what did we see? Him drop from an Eagle and to have a pop for around 5 seconds, this annoyed me so much and I only hope Mr Jackson puts some extra scenes on the DVD, again this is a bit of a joke as I feel like I am being forced to buy the discs just to see a scene that should have been in the fucking film anyway (oops I swore sorry didn’t realise).

The Gandalf side quest, Gandalf is a bit of a pussy in grey form by the look of it, even though he handles himself better in LOTR and although the fight was pretty cool against the (C.G.I) wraiths it was really not supposed to be there as much of the filmn isn’t, Older yet younger Elrond tips up to help not Christopher Lee and more C.G.I Galadriel. Still in two minds about this really, may have to watch it again.

More older/younger Elf action

More older/younger Elf action

Here are a few more problems that I won’t go in to as you know what I’m saying. Legolas looks even older. The Dwarf/Elf love plot side story. More C.G.I. Thorin’s poor acting when the ring oops I mean Arkenstone is possesing him, I found it a little cheesy. Even more fucking C.G.I. I do have more but I don’t wanna cry too much and put too much of a bummer on the read.

Right so here we go with the good stuff, well I loved the C.G.I ha ha just messing with you though some of the scenes had to be done this way, the Dwarf mounts were awesome running up the cliff face and Dain’s mount some sort of War Pig which was also very cool, you cannot faults Smaugs attack on Lake Town either. Its not that I don’t like C.G.I as lets face it half the movie would be missing but the over usage of it is not needed sometimes…

. Loved Cumbersnatches take on Smaug again and his performance was a lot stronger in this film I felt. Loved the screen presence Smaug has and it needs a strong voice, I still would have liked Leonard Nimoy though.

The Mighty Smaoouuuug

The Mighty Smaoouuuug

The Dwarves in their new armor was a particular favorite part of mine, Thorin looked very formidable in his plate and his helm was also very well designed and Some of the overall weaponry on the film including Dain’s C.G.I war hammer looked very imposing. The scene where the Dwarves rush out was also well done which ends with Thorin and Dain fighting back to back on the battlefield.

I really enjoyed Thranduil’s sinister side and his Elk mount, again very cool and gives a role player like me lots to think about idea wise for our future MERP game nights. Luke Evans was ok, thought he lost a bit of his zing on this outing, I don’t know why? Just felt something was missing, the scene where he slays Samug looked a little tinny to me and needed more heart and also more fear factor in his acting. Stephen Fry was also enjoyable and his little scrote P.A. giving some much needed comic relief to proceedings.

The King of Elves

The King of Elves

Well so there it is, I might have to crawl back under my rock now till Peter decides to make The Silmarilion and give me something else to review. Anyway hope you enjoyed the article and feel free to tweet me any feelings you have on the subject via this link @MERPERS, give me a follow I usually follow back if you are at least a bit interesting. Stay safe.

The Shadow of the Past

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Frodo remained well to do with all of Bilbos great wealth

Gandalf visited now and again mostly to check Frodos health.

The Ring remained stashed and hidden by the Hobbit for many a year

Until Gandalf came knocking and revealed something of great fear.

He took the Ring from Frodo and threw it right in to the Fire

Frodo yelled out and worried, suddenly overcome with desire.

He held back Frodo then pulled it back quick as lightning

‘Take it, its quite cool’ and as Frodo held it,  there appeared some writing

‘I cant read what it says? It has some strange symbols and marks’

Gandalf scowled ‘I will not repeat here amongst children and parks!

Basically it says One ring to rule them One ring to find them

One ring to bring them and in the darkness bind them!’

So the story of the Ring and Sauron to Frodo he did tell

The story of Isildur and Gollum and all the other Rings aswell.

He told him of friends and foes and the roll of Smeagol

And how it was found in the River, the Murder of Deagol.

‘The Ring has Dark Power’ said Gandalf all eerie yet true

Frodo looked Scared and said ‘I dont want it I will give it to you’

Gandalf pulled away and shakes his head as if a distant stranger

‘You cannot offer me this Ring I will use it, create danger’

While Gandalf thought with heavy heart and a head full of gloom

He knew what must be done, it must be thrown back to Mount Doom

Frodo looked on ‘Oh what is to be done the ring cant stay here’

‘I shall have to leave the Shire, I shall have to move, disappear’

‘Indeed you will’ agreed Gandalf ‘To the Green Dragon you go

I will meet you there soon now make haste! Move fast not slow!

The name of Underhill you will now use and take to the Dragon

Heed my words, don’t loosen tongue after too many a flaggan.

There I will meet you in a few days perhaps maybe 7 days

Now off you go Frodo hurry, don’t linger, and keep a watchful gaze.

And as Frodo rushes, packs and panics they both hear a sound

It came from over by the window, a bump close to the ground.

Gandalf crept over to the window and grabbed from a tree

‘An eaves dropping Hobbit!’ no other than Sam Wise Gamgee.

‘Eavesdropping Sir? I am begging your Pardon!

I was just doing my job, tending Mr Bilbo’s Garden!’

Gandalf asked in much quieter voice ‘What did you hear?

You must have heard something now stop acting queer!’

Now Sam wise was shaken, shocked and his back it did sting

‘I didn’t hear nothing!’ squealed Sam ‘Well something of a Ring?’

Now Gandalf was stern but laughed and then paused for a few

He turned to Frodo smiling ‘One was to Bree but now there are two’.

A Long Expected Party

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Bilbo was nearing his birthday it would be his eleventy first year

A huge party he would hold with Friends, food, dancing and Beer

With Family and Music provided by the small local Hobbit Choir

They would have a huge massive tent in the middle of the Shire

So invitations were sent, in all 144 give or take they did reckon

The date was shared with cousin Frodo September the 22nd

He invited all he could, Proudfoots, BrockHouses, Bolgers and Chubbs

Brandybucks, Horn-Blowers, Brace-Girdles, Burrowses and Grubbs

Oh I almost forgot to mention there were Sackvilles and GoodBodies

There were Dwarves and a Wizard, plus sneaking in nobodies

On top of singing and dancing the fireworks were sent into the air

Provided by Gandalf the Wizard with the long bearded grey hair

The most amazing was a tribute, a huge Golden winged Dragon

With Hobbits all watching amazed drawing drink from their flaggan

So after Smaug had fizzled out and finished the bell rang ‘supper!’

Juicy Pork, Beef, Carrots, Mushrooms and Bread all covered in Butter

The Hobbits all banged there feet and shouted ‘Bilbo speech!’

Bilbo looked round smiled, got up and headed into the breach

Now Bilbo was kind and honest but he had a trick up his sleeve

Though even Frodo didn’t fully know that he intended to leave

Then after his speech he jumped up like one of the firey rockets

And Bilbo slipped on the ring from one of his waistcoat pockets

Now some were confused and some shouted ‘Balderdash!’

Because Bilbo really did vanish with a smokey blue flash

The smokey blue flash was provided by Gandalf the Grey

As he knew Bilbo was planning his trick for that very day

In the confusion Gandalf slipped out and he followed

He went to Bag End, Bilbos home all inside dug out and hollowed

In went the Wizard. Bilbo was packing his gear nearly ready to go

‘Well you had your fun’ said Gandalf as Bilbo bobbed too and fro.

‘I shall leave all to Frodo’ said Bilbo ‘What even your lovely Ring?’

Bilbo looked round suddenly angry! How his eyes they did sting!

‘Why should I not keep it? I have given Frodo everything else

Frodo has my riches, Bag End, I will keep the Ring for myself!’

The Hobbit grew angry and thought Gandalf wanted the Ring

He wants me to leave it! For Grey Beard power it will bring!

Gandalf grew angry and dark and he seemed to double in size

‘You said you would leave it! Leave it all, every single Prize!’

So Bilbo did. He was glad when he had. He left with a smile

He longed to see Mountains he hadn’t for quite a while.

So off Bilbo went with is pack, wandering off into the night

Instead of his pockets feeling heavy it instead felt quite light!

The Wizard waited for Frodo and how he did wonder

About the shiney Gold Ring from Gollums modest Plunder

Frodo arrived to Bag End with Gandalf puffing out smoke

‘Has he left then?’ Frodo had an idea but thought it a joke

‘Yes he has and Bag End is now yours and all it does hold

including the Ring and most of his mithril, silver and gold!’

‘I would give it all to away to get Bilbo back today!’

Frodo missed him, he wished he had gone the same way.

Gandalf looked worried and said ‘Now Frodo I must make haste

There are things I must know and information I must trace’

Frodo was sad another close friend gone he felt sorrow

He missed them both now, how would it feel tommorow

Then the Wizard quickly vanished into the moonlight he went.

As he watched Gandalf leave he look withered and bent!


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Something to liven up the trek indeed as I walked up by the river and see three what I presume are men standing over someone kicking and punching by the look of it so obviously I go and intervene, Dwarves hate an unfair fight and honour in combat is the forefront of some of our strongest beliefs, show honour in combat then live or die you will pass to the halls of Aule with pride and power.

As I got closer I could see a number of dead men lying on the ground with arrows stuck in them and the person being beat is an Elf and a female also, I rush the first bandit from the side with no hesitation and cut him down with a mighty blow to his rib cage, that’s what you get for wearing leather armour and not the strong chain and plate of the Dwarves! The other two draw swords and come at me. Zinc kept one busy with pecks to the face whilst I duel with the other scum!

The bandit was indeed quite handy with a blade and caught me a couple of times with glancing blows but my steel is too tough for a blade of such making and withstands them with ease, I finally catch him under the jaw with my mattock, it makes a mess of the man’s face and will make drinking ale problematic. The other after seeing his friend drop starts to run just as the female Elf comes round, she picks up her bow, notches an arrow calm and collected then lets it fly striking the fool right in the middle of the shoulders, an amazing shot indeed, so it is true what the Father says about the Elven arrow being the truest in the land.

We move away from the carnage we have left and proceed up the river as always Zinc fly’s ahead to keep a watchful eye for more Bandits in the area and she tells me her name and then her tale. Othwen is her name meaning  Battle-Maiden and she is an Elf of Mirkwood patrolling its borders for marauders and villains she was taking refreshment from the river when attacked by these vagabonds, she managed to shoot a few before they made it upon her, lucky I showed up when I did, she assures me she would have shot them all if she knew they were friend and not foe, disguised in peasant clothes with their armour and weapons under cloak.

Othwen questions me in turn about my business in these lands and my helm a curious item for a Dwarf to be carrying and she asks if I killed its maker, with a wry smile making me think she jests, I hope she does as I do not think my dwarf legs would outrun her keen arrows. We are sitting by a fire discussing our heritages and the conflicts of old, we seem to have found some common ground and are allies in these dangerous lands for the time being anyway. I will ask her in the morning if she will take me to see her master for news of any kind to help me on my way.

Moving On

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Many things have happened since my last entry, many men and Orc are dead after an epic battle of small proportions was held by the lake and I have since moved on with Zinc away from this blood stained land. The fisherman are free (for now) but have lost lots of friends and I cannot help but feel sorrow for them in my heavy heart. The Orc came to us after hearing about our camp battle and I feel responsible though Rem-Buse assures me it was a great deed done by myself and Zinc.

I now follow the Celduin (River Running) back east westerly on my way to Mirkwood. My heart is too heavy and my walk is too far to have been writing in my journal for long and sleep is always on my mind when I stop. Thoron Helm helps me pass the time and I often take flight in my eyes and look upon my destination.

I can just see the tips of the Lonely Mountain and hope I make it back soon so I can feast upon Mama Clara’s salted pork and her buttered potatoes, food for a king as my Father often said. I wonder what will I find in Mirkwood? What treats shall I feast on there? Or perhaps what will feast on me? Will the Elves be friendly or will it be fierce? The Dwarve/Elf relationships are still strained but not as bad as once was, but they never take kind to spy’s so maybe I should try a new tactic?

Zinc is quiet and usually much chattier with tongue than he has been of late and he often perches on my shoulder liking the company I think. Just to be near someone in this wilderness is comfort enough and not much need for talk. We continue our trek and hope for warmer climates and receptions.

The Hobbit – Desolation of Smaug Review

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Right guys its time for me Hobbit – Desolation of Smaug review, I don’t get chance to write on my blog much now with work commitments and such but I just had to write a review for the movie, if you haven’t yet seen the film I would stop reading now as this will contain spoilers, you have been warned.

Firstly I want to make it clear that on the whole I did enjoy the film but there were quite a few parts that niggled me from the start. The first thing that I didn’t really get was Beorns part in the film, it was cut down dramatically though the part in Bear form was quite fun to watch especially when Bombur hurtles past the rest of the party to make it to the door first, a nice piece of comedic release but that isn’t even what happened in the book and in my eyes didn’t really need touching.

Orlando as Younger yet Older Legolas.

Orlando as Younger yet Older Legolas.

The inclusion of Legolas – he isn’t really needed in the movie but I think it is to link The Hobbit more directly with Lord of the Rings, again not really needed with Gandalf the Grey in the film which should be enough but obviously as well for eye candy, I would have liked the story to explore further into the possible romance with Tauriel, with Thranduil forbidding the pairing with Legolas this could have gone into deeper territory and made a good sub-plot to the movie. Also Orlando has put a few pounds and doesn’t look the same Elf (sorry girls). Plus you’d think he would have mentioned it to Gimli when they met in LOTR, perhaps Jackson should re-film a scene or three and cut it into a super directors cut where Legolas tells Gimli I once arrested your Pops and called your Mum his brother! Again not in the book.

The Dwarf Elf love story – this sub-plot doesn’t float my boat, the comedic element is fun, the part in the jail when he is offering her to search his pants was very funny but an Elf would not find this attractive even if the Dwarf is good looking? There are not many playboy looking Dwarves in Tolkiens real world I can tell you. Plus if she did fancy Legolas it takes hundreds of years (usually) for Elves to choose life partners as they basically are immortal, so its going to be a long marriage, which leads me back to the fact she forgets liking Legolas pretty quickly by the look of it which again is unrealistic to the races used. Again not in the book.

Too much CGI –  another mention I’m afraid of the dirty CGI element which there is far too much of, I mentioned it in my earlier review of the first part and it is worthy of another. Azog and Bolg have great voice actors they just need  a big enough guy to play them, make them up like the other Orcs who attack Bards home, making them CGI means they had to CGI half of Legolas’ fight scene with Bolg, it spoiled it a bit for me. Again not in the book.

Mirkwood – well this part was skipped over pretty quickly time frame wise as well as what actually happened. As a gamer I have been to Mirkwood and know what it should be like, bit disappointed the stream scene was cut when Bombur drinks the water and falls asleep, I actually thought I saw a pic of the them carrying him but maybe it will be in the extended? The Spider attack was good though and the visuals of the forest itself.

Azog looking mean.

Azog looking mean.

As you can see there is a not in the book sequence forming so perhaps time to talk about the things I did like that weren’t in the book. Anyway I enjoyed Gandalf going to Gol Dul Dur and the fight with Sauron was a nice thing to watch but I always imagined Gandalf would take him, perhaps in White form? Some of the action was excellent including the barrel scene with Legolas kicking some serious ass and again Bombur using his barrel as plate mail was fun and exciting. Beorn in Bear form was brilliant as mentioned. Loved the voicing of Smaug by Benedict, initially I was hoping Leonard Nimoy would get the role but old Sherlock chops did a great job and you can see the chemistry working again with Freeman. Stephen Fry was likeable in a bad way as the Master of Laketown and Bard was played well by Luke Evans. Although Tauriel isn’t mentioned in The Hobbit book I enjoyed her part played well by Miss Lilly and all the visuals of the places I have visited in game on Sunday nights such as Lake Town, Bree, Erebor and Mirkwood. The visuals really are stunning in some of the scenes.

I could go on about the major changes (but I could be here all night) in the film version being a purist and maybe I would absolutely adore it if I hadn’t read the book countless times, this seems to be the case with most people who I have asked who haven’t read the book much or fan girls of Legolas who went to watch just to see Orlando but hey each to their own. Most of my friends being serious Role Players who study the history of Tolkien’s world and play to the ideals of Dwarves not liking Elves and such the like share my opinion that it is a good film enjoyable for all but not true to the book.

I hope you have enjoyed the review and feel free to follow me on Twitter via MERPERS to discuss any of the points I have made.

That’s What Bilbo Baggins Hates

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The Hobbit film has many great bits but the music really stands out for me and this song is top quality just how its done is a great mix of  special effects and actual singing from the guys, with that in mind I have compiled the lyrics so you can learn them more easily and sing along or perhaps use it your next RPG night. This is a direct link to a video on Youtube of the song with subtitles. Enjoy and get practising.


Blunt the knives and bend the forks!
Smash the bottles and burn the corks!
Chip the glasses and crack the plates!
That’s what Bilbo Baggins hates –

Cut the cloth and tread the fat!
Leave the bones on the bedroom mat!
Pour the milk on the pantry floor!
Splash the wine on every door!

Dump the crocks in a boiling bowl;
Pound them up with a thumping pole;
And when you’ve finished, if any are whole,
Send them down the hall to roll!

That’s what Bilbo Baggins hates!
So, carefully! Carefully with the plates!


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